


Knickpoint

by stereobone



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 12:18:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1018514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stereobone/pseuds/stereobone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Erwin returns with his hollow right sleeve pinned up and his left fist clenching, Levi does not cry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Knickpoint

When he came across his squad in the forest, their dead and mangled bodies on the bloody grass, he did not cry. He stared, and a small piece of him cut loose and curled away, but he did not cry. There isn't time to mourn in battle, and this battle has been ever going. Casualties happen every day. Mourning each of them would drive a person to suicide. So when Erwin returns with his hollow right sleeve pinned up and his left fist clenching, Levi does not cry.

"What the hell happened," he says, demands.

The whole time Erwin is explaining, all Levi can do is stare at the area where his arm should be. His shirt is still bloody, like someone sprayed him down with it. Levi wonders if this would have happened if he had been there. 

"So it looks like we're both injured," Erwin says, like this is a vacation.

"I'm not the one missing a damn limb." Levi forces himself to take a step forward so he can reach out and touch the folded sleeve, as if this is some illusion and Erwin's arm will magically reappear. "Idiot." 

Erwin's left hand, _his only hand,_ claps him on the shoulder. Levi feels strangely betrayed by Erwin's nonchalance. Erwin asks him how his injury is faring.

"Fine," Levi says, still staring at his lack of arm. "Nothing I won't recover from." 

"Good." 

Erwin takes his hand away and passes to his office door. He hesitates in front of it for a moment, and Levi doesn't have to see his face to know that he's struggling with just how much this changes things. Erwin reaches out with his left hand and turns the knob to open it.

Levi waits until long after the door shuts before he goes back to his quarters. He leans against his wall and thinks of Erwin's missing arm. He'll never be able to fight again. His balance is off and his gear won't work properly. Death, dismemberment, all these were things Levi expected from everyone, even himself, but just not Erwin. Levi doesn't understand how this happened. He's heard the story from Erwin's mouth, he knows it happened, but he still doesn't understand it, and it feels like seeing his squad dead and ripped open all over again. A bird screeches from outside his window, and Levi slides down to the floor. He doesn't cry.

* * *

 Erwin doesn't talk to him about the fact that he's constantly still in his 3DMG even though he's on recovery. It's a habit, he understands. He allows Levi certain liberties, like letting him sit on his desk while he writes reports. Levi will never admit it, but he likes the height it gives him, and the neat scratch of Erwin's pen across paper is oddly comforting. Even now that he has to use his non-dominant hand to write and stops every few seconds to sigh out of frustration, Levi likes the sound of it. Erwin hands him the report and Levi looks over it, squinting. 

"This looks like chicken scratch."

"I've been practicing," Erwin says. 

Levi hands him back the report. "Whatever, it still looks like shit." 

"Perhaps you should write it, then." 

"I'm busy."

Erwin gives him a look that lets him know he's not above shoving him off the desk. Levi sighs and takes the report back. 

"I'll clean it up." 

It's been a week since Erwin returned. Things feel quiet, even though they aren't at all. Being stuck inside has given Levi a certain fever, a feeling of madness that strikes him at odd moments. He wants to slice open a titan and feel the rush of wind as he scales a wall. He wants to smell blood. But another part of him doesn't want to leave at all. Levi hasn't strayed from Erwin's side much at all this past week. It's the madness of being on injury, Levi thinks, that has him constantly checking on Erwin, constantly sneaking glances at his injury to see if the arm has magically spawned again like a titan's would.

Sometimes he dreams that he finds the titan that took Erwin's arm and stabs its belly until the beast throws his arm back up. Other times he dreams that he just gets eaten. 

Behind him, Erwin goes to pour himself more tea. The pot shakes in his hand, china vibrating together, and little droplets of tea spill onto the desk. Levi reaches out and takes the pot gently from him.

"You're getting tea all over," he says when Erwin looks up at him. 

He pours them both a cup. He knows the way Erwin takes it, too much sugar. Levi cleans up the spilled tea with the handkerchief from his trouser pocket. 

"You don't have to do this," Erwin says. 

"Do what," Levi says, even though he really means _don't. Let's not talk about this._  

"I'm aware of what my injury means. I'm aware of what I can no longer do." 

Levi puts his handkerchief away and sips his tea. 

"Good, I don't need you getting all fucking delusional on me." 

Erwin opens his mouth like he's going to say something else, but then maybe he gets the hint, because he shuts it again and drinks his tea. Levi hops off his desk and goes to fix the report. 

* * *

 It's that he looks up to Erwin. It's that he trusts him. It's that Erwin saw something in him that no one else bothered to look for. It's that Levi is selfish. He starts opening doors for Erwin without thinking about it, wandering into his quarters in the mornings to give him some mundane update and then staying to help Erwin button up his shirt. Erwin doesn't say anything about it. They go about their business like this is normal, like they've been doing this for years. 

Levi's leg is getting stronger. He'll be back in the field soon, beyond the walls again. He doesn't feel excited about it. He feels anger. Anger that no one told him it would be without Erwin, he didn't know that last time would be the very last. That things are different. That he thought they wouldn't be. 

Erwin never refuses his help, but he also never asks for it.

Pixis comes into Erwin's office when the sun is setting and everything is washed orange. He and Levi stand, and that's when Levi realizes that Erwin can't salute properly anymore. He can't give his heart. Levi watches Erwin's short, awkward left-handed salute that Pixis either doesn't notice or chooses not to, and his chest feels like it's filled with needles. Pixis leaves and Erwin stays standing, staring at the empty doorway, and the shoulder muscle of his missing arm twitches. Levi looks elsewhere. 

Erwin finally sits, but he still stares at the doorway and just beyond it, at nothing. He looks like he's concentrating hard, face grim.

"Why are you making such a stupid expression?" Levi says.

Erwin blinks and fixes his gaze on Levi before smiling.

"I was just thinking." 

When he doesn't elaborate, Levi bites the bullet and asks: "About what?" 

"A lot of things. It's strange, but sometimes it feels as though my right arm is still there." Erwin touches what remains of his arm, something Levi has yet to see him do. "But of course, it isn't."

Levi pushes off the desk. He's angry again, feels more powerless than he ever has. His leg is stiff. Levi puts more weight on it stubbornly. It seems utterly impossible to look at Erwin.

"I have to see Hanji," he says.

He slams the door on his way out.

* * *

 Before he became corporal, one of his fellow trainees called him emotionally stunted. Levi beat him so bad he nearly went blind in his left eye. _How's that for emotion?_ Levi had said after, even though the trainee was unconscious. During his reprimand, when Erwin was questioning him, Levi gave the same answer.

"You think that puts you in control of your emotions?" Erwin said. "Seems to me like you lost control."

"I decided," Levi said, still with blood on his knuckles. "I didn't lose control. I decided."

Erwin stood so he was looming over him, his face not tight with anger but with concern. 

"And what happens when you no longer can?"

Levi didn't have an answer.

* * *

 Later in the night, he knocks on the door to Erwin's quarters. Pissed or not, he's still going to help him. Erwin's voice calls from inside the door.

"Come in." 

Levi finds him struggling to unbutton his dress shirt. He swats Erwin's hand away and undoes the buttons himself before stepping back to let Erwin shrug the shirt off until he's in just his trousers. The stump of his arm is still bandaged, and Levi's never actually seen it before. For some reason, it makes him even angrier. He looks deliberately at Erwin's face. 

"Aren't you coming to dinner?"

"I've already eaten."

"Oh," Levi says, and turns to leave.

"Wait."

Levi stands with his back turned and his hand on the doorknob as if he might actually go when they both know he won't. 

"Come here," Erwin says, and Levi does. 

Erwin watches his face, eyes searching his own, and Levi watches back, challenging him, daring him.

"What's wrong?" he says. 

"Nothing."

Levi expects him to dig, to not let it go, but Erwin doesn't say anything else. He just watches him. Levi snaps. 

"How the hell are you so okay with this?" 

"This?" Erwin says, like there could be anything else. 

"Your arm," Levi says, breaking eye contact to look at it. "Your fucking arm." 

"There's nothing I can do," Erwin says.

He sounds so calm, which only makes Levi feel more hysterical. More angry. He wants Erwin to be angry. He hates him for letting this happen. He shakes his head, trying to collect his thoughts, trying to think of something to say that won't end with him punching Erwin for being so fucking stupid. Instead, Erwin's hand curls around the back of his neck and Levi forgets anything he wanted to say. 

"Levi," he says calmly. "Thank you, for all you've done for me." 

"Don't say that shit." 

"I already did."

Erwin angles his body down and kisses him. Levi doesn't know why he's been expecting it all along, but he has been, and so he kisses back automatically. Whatever he's been meaning to say gets lost in it, and it seems like Erwin already knows anyway. He's always had a habit of knowing. Erwin's tongue is demanding in his mouth and he tastes sweet from the tea he's had. Levi pushes up onto the tips of his toes and his leg hurts but he ignores it. 

"It's okay," Erwin says, pulling away to press their foreheads together.

Levi tries to catch his breath. 

"Why are you telling me that? I'm not the one who lost an arm."

"I know. And it's okay."

Levi snarls. "Shut up. Are we doing this or are you just going to keep yapping?" 

Erwin kisses him again. Levi holds his face with both hands like he has to keep him there, biting Erwin's bottom lip until it feels swollen between his own. They stumble together to Erwin's bed, Levi following so he's on top of Erwin, and then pulling back to that he can undo his trousers. He's hands shake while he does it, and Erwin won't stop caressing the back of his neck. Once Levi is naked, he pulls down Erwin's trousers and climbs into his lap. 

"You have oil, right? Say you have oil." 

"I have oil," Erwin says. 

He nods to the bedside table and Levi digs around for the vile. He feels impossibly smaller in Erwin's lap, the heat from their bodies making him almost feverish. Levi coats two of his fingers in oil and then reaches back so he can stretch himself open. It's hard at this angle. Levi has to lean forward on his knees and brace himself on Erwin's shoulders, mouth dropping open. Erwin's hand runs down his back. 

"You look beautiful doing this," he says.

"Shut up." 

He adds a third finger, spreading them, searching out his prostate. His cock feels heavy with lust, cheeks flushed. Levi can hear Erwin's breathing grow heavier. He's craning his neck to watch Levi touch himself, and that only makes him go harder.

Impatience hits him and Levi eases his fingers out. Erwin mouths wetly at his temple, encouraging him. He pours oil onto Erwin's cock. It's thick and long and Levi is desperate for it. His injured leg shakes as he lifts up, but all Levi can do is watch Erwin. When he sinks down onto it, Erwin grabs his hip, fingertips pressing bruises. He looks shocked by how tight Levi is, which Levi likes a lot. The first roll of his hips has Erwin pushing up with his own, experimenting to find a rhythm. 

"I've thought about this a lot," Erwin says, and it sounds like an admission, a secret he's been waiting to tell. 

Levi grins. "Oh yeah?"

He moves his hips faster, pleasantly full and dizzy with it. 

"Yeah," Erwin says. "Since you first tried to kill me."

Levi doesn't try to stop the moan that escapes his lips. 

"Shit, Erwin."

He's thought about it, too, but he doesn't have to say that anymore. He's sure Erwin knows. Levi looks at him, eyes shut, mouth open. Erwin's thumb is pressing against his hipbone, feeling him. Little beads of sweat are starting to form across his forehead. Levi can see the wrapped stump of his arm, the dark area of the bandage where it sometimes bleeds. It makes him angrier to think about how they could have been doing this years ago, and that Erwin will never hold him down with both hands, never like that, and it's selfish and Levi doesn't care.

He doesn't realize he's crying until he sees the way Erwin is looking at him, then he becomes aware of the fat tears rolling down his cheeks. He doesn't know how it started. It's mortifying. Levi wipes at them with the back of his hand, but they won't stop falling and he can't stop crying. He doesn't remember the last time he lost control of his emotions like this. Levi moves his hips faster.

"I'm not crying," he says, before Erwin can open his mouth. "I'm not crying for you."

Tears roll down his neck, drip on Erwin's chest. 

"Levi," Erwin says, and he stops moving. 

"No." Levi punches his chest. "Fuck you, don't stop."

He pushes down, Erwin still hard and hot inside him. Levi scratches at his chest.

"Please," he says. "Don't stop." 

Erwin's thumb wipes at the wetness on Levi's cheek.

"It's okay," he says. "It happened. I didn't want it to, but it did." 

He pulls Levi down against his chest and starts moving again. The angle increases the pressure, and Levi feels like he's coming apart with pleasure even though he can't stop fucking crying. Levi can taste salt when they kiss again, and they're kissing like they're apologizing to each other. Erwin lets his hand stray to Levi's ass, cupping one cheek and squeezing, spreading him open further. Levi feels like he's going to come apart right then and there, but he stops himself from going over the edge.

Erwin comes first. Levi makes an embarrassing sound at the feel of his come inside him, the way his cock pulses. Erwin's hand on his cock brings him off not long after. They stay like that for a minute to catch their breath, and then Levi eases off Erwin's cock and rolls to the other side of the bed. He can feel the come starting to leak out of his ass and onto the sheets. Levi moves to crawl over Erwin and get off the bed, but Erwin grabs his wrist.

"You're really going to leave after that?" 

"I want to clean up," Levi says, and then nods at the come on Erwin's stomach. "You, too." 

Erwin just pulls him down so he's against his chest, hand back on his neck, stroking the short hairs there. It shouldn't have happened to him, not Erwin. It's not fair, and Levi knows it's not fair and never will be. He thought he would never be one to wish it could be, but here he is. 

"Stay like this with me for a while," Erwin says.

Levi rests his head on his chest, the rise and fall of it lulling him, calming him. He stares at the bandage on Erwin's arm and then finally, finally lets himself touch it. The bandaging is tight, smooth, but he can feel the knots of scar tissue forming underneath it. The muscle twitches and Levi jumps and is immediately embarrassed by his reaction.

"Sorry," Erwin says. "Sometimes it moves on its own."

"What the hell am I supposed to do without you out there?" Levi says, very softly, hoping that Erwin hasn't heard, but also hoping that he has. 

Erwin's rough fingers slide along his jaw and tilt his chin up so that he has to look at him. His face is sincere, so much so, the way it is before they go outside the wall.

"You will be fine," he says.

Levi twists his head out of Erwin's grip, not unkindly. "I know that." 

Erwin musses his hair and Levi grunts, cursing, and then rolls off Erwin and gets out of the bed. 

"Asshole," he says. "I'm cleaning up, now." 

"Perhaps you could make us some tea as well." 

Levi grabs his trousers and shirt off the floor, then Erwin's, all the while aware of Erwin staring at his ass. He shakes the clothes out and frowns at the wrinkles. 

"Don't think just because you lost an arm I'm going to start acting like your wife." 

Erwin chuckles from the bed. "You know I only think very highly of you, Levi."

Levi pauses, staring at their clothes.

"I know," he says, and starts folding Erwin's shirt.

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I was done with anime/manga like seven years ago and then Attack on Titan punched me in the face so that happened. I wrote this after devouring the manga and anime over a four night period so sorry about any mistakes.
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated.


End file.
